Everything I am about to write is my own experience and what seems to work for me. If you would like to use anything written in your negotiations please feel free to do so.
I have found that I primarily have 4 buckets that playing with partners falls into. When I explain and introduce these buckets to potential play partners it allows for open communication. While this is by no means a perfect system, I find myself ever evolving them, as we all evolve in this community. The basic structure stays the same.
Bucket 1: Playing without sexual touch. While this may have sensual elements, it allows partners to define sexual touch and sensual play. It is also a great place for teaching and learning.
Bucket 2: Playing with sexual touch but no oral stimulation. This bucket allows for more sensual play and can include sexual toys and/or masturbation. Once again sexual touch is defined and agreed upon by all parties.
Bucket 3: Playing with sexual touch and oral stimulation. Just as the title of the bucket suggests, this bucket now includes oral sex and any variation all parties discuss.
Bucket 4: Play that includes sexual intercourse. Having this bucket separate from the others helps break down the social programming that all sex acts must culminate in intercourse to be pleasurable.
Every time I negotiate a play scene I start with which bucket my partner(s) and I will feel comfortable exploring. Since I don’t renegotiate mid-scene, you have now set a top limit the where the scene can get to sexually. You also know that a bucket can be rescinded at any time by calling a yellow and communicating. The positive to this I have found is that a red is very rarely called for sexual reasons. A simple yellow call and asking to stay with let’s say bucket 2, means that the scene can continue for both parties.
As a Dom, you need self-control and self-awareness. Some bottoms will test this, there is an inherent safety to this system that may lend to people trying to renegotiate mid-scene. Remember to negotiate later, post-aftercare, on things you would like to add next time (I’ll have another post on this later). It’s always better to leave a scene excited about what you want to add next time.
The ability to define these limits and discuss them with your partner(s) sets a strong framework for you to negotiate the rest of the scene. It is an amazing way to build trust while playing.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. Any questions or comments? I love constructively discussing these things. Remember this is what works for me and seems to work for my partners. The is no “ONE TRUE WAY”.
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