Focus on the Lighthouses

So, I want to start off this writing saying, these are not fully formulated thoughts yet. This is by no means based in scientific fact, and I am not a therapist. This writing is honestly for me, if something speaks to you or resonates feel free to take it and use it.

My scared brain is a thing that has caused me more pain and heartache then a lot of other things combined. By scared brain I mean that part of me that holds on and remembers all the past hurt and trauma. In all actuality, this part of my brain is supposed to serve a purpose, to send warning signals and protect me by triggering fight or flight responses. The problem is that through trauma and hurt, this part of the brain is overstimulated and can see things as threats even if they are not threatening at all. This can be scary for people because it can feel like these responses can even override basic logic. A lot of our current perceptions are looked at through a lens of our past experiences. In all fairness we have not idea what is going to happen tomorrow.

If we look at these ideas and think in terms of relationships, we have all been hurt, sadly some more than others. So we all, on some level have a part of our brain that is trying to protect us. I call that my scared brain. This brain sends up warnings and alarms trying protect us. The problem is when this part of our brain is so loud we start to listen to the warnings even when they are not based in logic or reason. I am not saying to ignore red flags or warnings I am saying that there are time when we can self sabotage ourselves from happiness because we start to project future events based on past outcomes. When this happens to me I can’t even hear reassurances or words of affirmation. If I’m honest this has derailed relationships in the past for me.

I’m going to be vulnerable and give an example…

I have had my boundaries completely ignored in the past and when I brought this up I was told that I was being being sensitive, jealous, or controlling when I tried to advocate for myself. I’ve also been replaced and lied to when I was told there was nothing going on. Why do I mention this, because my scared brain now has a reference point to try and project future events. It doesn’t want me to experience that pain again, but that part of my brain doesn’t know that it isn’t a fortune teller, it can’t predict the future. It just looks for anything that may cause me pain and throws up warning signs. Since these warning signs are just chemical responses they can manifest in different ways for different people.

I’m slowly starting to figure something out about my scared brain though, it can’t ignore truth and facts. If something reminds us of a past hurt in a relationship, but we challenge that fear with a truth, the scared brain starts to quiet down. Example, someone new comes into a partners life, we have compersion but scared brain is telling us that we are going to be replaced or are going to over react and screw it up. That’s the scared brain trying to protect us from past hurt. The truth is that is we have compersion and are happy for them. Without the lens of past hurt projecting future events the first feeling was compersion. That’s the lighthouse, the truth, that sheds light on the difference between the events. Being able to separate the truth from the fear of the projection allows us to recognize the difference between the two events. The truth is the lighthouse!

Now one thing I have found that makes this even more powerful for me, is being able to have compassion for myself and acknowledging the scared brain. This is super hard because I always seem to have a bit of shame and guilt that I have let my scared brain project on current events. Here is the hard but powerful thing, thanking our scared brains for trying to protect us. Let them know they are heard but because of these truths, we don’t need that part them to protect us right now. I tell my brain, “You did your job, thank you, but we are safe here because of these truths.”

That’s why I now choose to focus on the lighthouses in my life, the truths.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Thoughts and ideas are welcome in the comments. Unconstructive comments or comments that are wildly off topic will just be deleted